We live on the cusp of death, thinking that it wont be us
by youcancallmejanedoe
Summary: C/J Death fic. How do you relieve that sinking feeling in your heart? Your stomach feels it too, the disgusting drop that kick starts the adrenaline and sickness. Then your heart misses a beat, it makes you want to clutch your chest and collapse in a puddle of pain. You skip a breath. The feeling that follows is like you've been holding it in for hours, you're gasping for air.
1. The beginning of the end

There is a moment of complete clarity before you die, it's both beautiful and heart-breaking. In that one moment, everything becomes clear, you know exactly what, how, when, why, where; that's the beautiful part. The heart breaking part is the moment that follows, the realisation and acknowledgement of every moment you've ever wasted. I'd wasted a lot. Another thing they don't tell you about dying, mostly, it's not painful. There is this initial pain, but as long as you stay still after that, the adrenaline, shock, it just becomes numb, it's uncomfortable, but numb.

* * *

There was steely determination in her eyes as she darted down the street, she'd managed to slip under everyone's radar, she needed to do this, for herself, she needed to stop other people getting hurt because of her.

Sebastian was back, he was killing innocents, shadow hunters, anyone. It was all for her, he wanted her attention, to draw her out and she knew it. She was playing right into his hand, she had no other choice, Isabelle, Alec, Jace, they all wanted to protect her but it was about time she protected them. She picked up the pace, fueled by adrenaline, she knew she only had a certain amount of time before they realised she was gone and where she was going.

The cool evening breeze was refreshing on her flushed, slightly sticky skin, she breathed deep and hard, remembering her training, if she was going to go fast and long, she needed to pace her breathing. Luckily she was kitted out in her gear, all black, she'd opted for some tight fitted black pants, obviously dotted with various pockets full of shadow hunter essential. To complement them she'd chosen a tight dark grey vest, covered by a loose black, t-shirt crop, he tied in a braid, thumping her back as she ran. She'd made sure to stock her belt with weapons before she'd "gone to the training room to blow off some steam" making sure everyone knew she "just needed to be alone for a bit".

Out of the city, she finally made it to the courtyard, the sun was setting and the beautiful archaic building was lit by the surrounding lights, it looked like a stage out of a play. The lights in the gardens were already on full force, beginning to cast dancing shadows on the lawns, extending into the sunset. The beautiful flower beds were flourishing, the beauty of spring. Here her attire did her no favors, against the violent pink sky, the yellow, red, blue flower beds and the luscious green grass, she stuck out like a sore thumb. It was a beautiful night, the air was warm and the breeze infrequent, it was the perfect night for a stroll here and yet it was eerily quiet. That's when she noticed, there were no birds, no bees, no flies, no rabbits, deer or any sign of life at all. They must have known what she now definitely knew, he was here.

Her body switched to full alert and she began to wander around the side of the building, towards the courtyard round back. Sure enough, there he was. Stood cocky and so self-assured at the back of the building, leaning, almost nonchalantly against a stone pillar, staring at the sunset. Clary stilled her footsteps when she was directly in front of him, only a few feet aware, almost in the centre of the courtyard, he didn't even turn his head to look at her. She took in her surroundings as quickly and as best she could. Square courtyard, 4 pillars, each in a corner, stone flower beds, 4 exits, each next to a pillar, no people, no demons, no back up. Just him and her.

When he said nothing, she plucked up the courage to call him out, even if it was with false bravado; here, alone she was scared for the first time in a long time, something felt off, wrong, it was in the air.

"You got my attention, no what do you want?"

Very slowly he turned his head to her, his eyes were black and pierced through her as he caught her gaze. She remembered a time when they were green, never sparkling green, full of life, like the grass, but at least they were green.

"My dear sister, I've missed you." He was smirking and his words practically dripped with venom.

Clary didn't falter, she held his gaze, he wasn't going to scare her anymore.

"Enough, I haven't come here for idle chatter. Just tell me what you want." She was mimicking how she thought Isabelle would handle this situation, imagining her tone and replicating it. Isabelle was strong, confident, she wasn't scared of anything and that's who Clary needed to be right now.

"Oh, isn't that a question! What do I want?" He remarked with fake excitement and heavy sarcasm as he pushed off from the pillar. Clary's mind clicked into alert and her feet shuffled ever so slightly into a more firm stance.

"I want you, my dear sister. I want you to join me, want us to continue the family name! Finish the legend that our father started..."

"I would never-" she interrupted him but he quickly cut her off.

"I know, I know, little miss angel." The word angel was laden with disgust and utter contempt.

He walked as he talked, stopping when he was stood only a foot from her, mimicking her stance.

"And that's the problem, if I can't have you. I'll have to make sure no one can, I can't have you scurrying round with those rats, disgracing our family name! And I certainly won't have you continuing the family linage with some filthy, pretty boy shadow hunter." His face had screwed up into a disgusted pout, as if he was sucking on a lemon and smelling manure all at once.

Clary's face was flushed with anger, embarrassment and adrenaline. She knew they were going to be dealing blows, she was waiting for the signs. Now more than ever she couldn't forget her training.

"Tell me sister, have you already let him disgrace you? How much of an angel are you really?" He was scoffing, laughing at her as he tilted his head, to look more innocent.

Clary's blood boiled. "How dare you! I haven't come here to discuss my virginity with you, you sick little boy. You're not my brother, I have no family but the shadow hunters who took me in!"

That's when she saw it, his hand involuntarily twitched, it clenched and unclenched, and that was the sign she was waiting for. She ducked her head and darted to the side just in time, missing the blow he has intended to be delivered to her face. She shot forward, fast as lightening and kicked him firmly in the chest. As he stumbled back, a fleeting window of emotion on his face, shock, she pulled her knife from her belt and took a few choice steps back, her stance ready, he breathing even and a steely look of determination still painted across her face.

She had settled barely a second though, before he drew his sword and lunged at her.

* * *

So I am not so hot stuff with the proof reading, any mistakes, my apologies! Feedback is always helpful!


	2. What am I, without you?

The thought of her meeting him alone… what if he wasn't alone? It wouldn't be the first time he'd tricked us… a cold, terrifying mixture of fear and realisation washed over me making me shudder. I didn't feel the usual rush of adrenaline which I'd become accustomed to before a fight, I felt tired, tired and for the first time in a long time, genuinely scared.

I couldn't move my feet fast enough, I was pushing them so hard I felt like my knees were going to give out under me. The wind was rushing past my ears creating an uncomfortable growling sound, in a way it was motivating me. All I could imagine was some sort of growling demon he could have raised from who knows where, snarling and biting at Clary as she desperately dashed around, using all her training, the training I taught her. But how long could she keep it up? I know she can look after herself, but this isn't just anyone. The world was zooming past me and it seemed like I'd been running for days, no matter how hard I pushed myself, she just seemed to be miles away! A quick glance behind me, confirmed that I was also alone, I'd ran ahead, I needed to get to her, but I could sense Alec not too far behind.

I could see the courtyard and I pushed harder, my ears listening out for any sound, in my head I was praying it hadn't escalated above an argument, but I couldn't hear a thing. I skidded round the corner and the sight made my blood run cold.

Clary was laid on the stone paving in the courtyard, her fiery hair matted thick with blood, stray strands were covering her perfect face. Her skin was paler than usual, she looked like she was made of snow, clear, perfect white porcelain, a tiny doll laid amongst what would usually be a beautiful setting. Her gear was muddy, bits of flowers stuck on her boots, there were grazes from where she'd scraped the stone on her gear and skin. Blood was soaking the stone around her head and shoulders. I realised I was just stood still, numbly I stumbled over to her, collapsing to my knees next to her. I tried to ignore the blood now soaking into my gear. With a trembling hand I reached for her face, brushing the hair from it, a shaky breath left my lungs at the sight in front of me. Her lip was bust open, bruises almost covered the left side of her face and there was a little stream of blood over the bruises from a gash in her forehead. Her eyes were closed. A numbing fear washed over me, I watched her chest intensely… then I saw it, a weak rise and fall!

"Clary?" my voice sounded so much stronger than I felt.

Her eyelids fluttered, it took three attempts before they fully opened. She had burst a blood vessel in her left eye and the clear white had turned an angry red. He hand twitched, I knew what she meant.

"I'm here," I whispered, I feared even the noise would hurt her.

I slipped my arm underneath her and pulled her against me, resting her head on my upper arm so she could see me. She felt so light and frail in my arms. Her hand slipped from mine and reached for my face, as I felt her hand come into contact with my skin, my eyes fell shut. I was trying to focus on the feel of her in my arms, the way her tiny body fit so perfectly against mine, the way her little doll like hands barely covered my cheek. Her skin had always been fiery and warm against mine when we'd brushed hands or she had clumsily fell on me in training, now she was so cold. When I opened my eyes she was frowning, her brows furrowed. I looked at her hand, it was wet and I realised I was crying.

"Don't worry, I'm going to make you better." I fumbled in my pocket for my steele and placed it against the exposed skin on her stomach, I began to draw the healing rune but was interrupted by a scream.

Shocked, I jerked the steele from her skin, dropping it clumsily and stared at her confused.

"He," she coughed and blood slipped from her lips "threw me against the wall, I can't move my left side" she was trying to be brave, "it hurts" she whimpered and tears slipped from her eyes.

My heart felt like it was breaking, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to hurt her, but I needed to help her.

"Don't," she whispered. "He did something to me, I don't know what, but he promised me you couldn't save me, he promised me I'd die here"

My eyes shot to her face, her eyes were staring into mine but they were clouded by tears.

"It's okay," another cough, followed by more blood "I just want to say thank you, you saved my life more times than I could count." I could feel the tears now, streaming hot paths down my face, I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt like this. Felt like this about someone, about anything.

"I love you," It was the tiniest whisper I could muster and I could hear my voice shake as I said it. Only she could reduce me to this blubbering, pathetic mess.

She simply nodded, or tried to, it made her wince. She stared back at me, her eyes had never been so piercing, even through the pools of water trying to burst down her face.

"I know, I love you Jace." The tears erupted from her eyes and she heaved and coughed, her tiny body shaking and shuddering in my arms. I squeezed her tighter, wanting to steady her, stop her shaking, keep her warm, I'd failed to keep her safe.

I pressed my forehead against hers and she closed her eyes, I laid a hand gently on the right side of her face, I just needed to feel her one last time. I closed my eyes too, her breathing was heavy, I could hear the rattle in her chest.

Until I couldn't anymore.

I never let go.

I don't know how long I was sat there. I don't know when I felt Alec's presence or when I heard the shocked gasps from everyone as they arrived. I felt Alec's hand fall on my shoulder, felt him squeeze tight and drop to his knees behind me. He laid his forehead against my back, between my shoulder blades, he didn't have to say a word. I knew what he wanted to say, what he couldn't say.

After that everything is a blur. Days upon days of darkness, the light of my life being extinguished, that fiery red flame, put out by a little mahogany box. There were no tears after her. There was nothing. For weeks I wandered around, emotions missing, until just one day, it was stupid, I found her sketchpad, then everything collapsed around me.

* * *

How do you relieve that sinking feeling in your heart? Your stomach feels it too, the disgusting drop that kick starts the adrenaline and sickness. Then your heart misses a beat, it makes you want to clutch your chest and collapse in a puddle of pain. You skip a breath. The feeling that follows is like you've been holding it in for hours, you're gasping for air and it's making you dizzy. That sickening lump in your throat isn't helping, what's happening? It feels like your whole body is shutting down, like it can't cope, why do you feel it so vividly? Oh, there's the adrenaline finally kicking in, can you feel your hands shake? Now your eyes burn, the tears are hot pools, ready to spill over and you're rapidly blinking to flush them away, they're leaving fiery paths as they slip down your now rosy cheeks. You try and hold it back, you don't want to cry and then, that tiny noise escapes your throat, it's the noise everyone dreads, it's like you can hear your heart break. A quiet, high pitch cry followed by a heavy breath. Hold back. Hold back. Don't cry. Be strong! The whole world crumbles away and the earth falls from under your feet, you've submitted yourself to that suffocating sadness and you're gone.

"What am I, when you're gone?"

That's the question blaring in your ears, your mind is screaming it and yet nothing escapes from your lips, nothing except that strange gurgling noise, that's a mix between the air escaping your lungs and the words fumbling around your mouth. You're gripping reality, but it's slipping away. You never know when the cry stops and the sleep takes over, you can never remember in the morning. Not that it matters, nothing matters.


End file.
